Growing up with three brothers meant I was not the girliest girl in the world. My mum would dress me in frilly pink dresses but I'd still rather slide down the slope in the garden covered in mud.
When my hair was getting just long enough to look a bit more like a girl in a dress than a boy in a dress, my mum was relieved. But one day I managed to reach the door handle, sneak into her bedroom and get scissors out of the drawer. I then cut big chunks of my hair so I was left with massive patches, of generally short, but some nice strands of long hair.
My mum literally used to shout at me to put a hat on every time the doorbell went.
Thursday 15 March 2012
Sunday 11 March 2012
Wig on a Tree
Last year I cut my hair really short and I really loved it. But anyone who has known me for more than five minutes knows that I cannot stand having the same hair style for more than a few weeks which makes things a bit awkward when your hair is a few inches long... I thought about extensions, but my hair was too short, I considered keeping it short (but it had already been months) or patiently growing it out. In the end I went into a shop in Middlesbrough that claimed to have every option for your hair. Naturally, I was weeing myself with excitement.
So, as the short orc-ish looking lady sat me down and whipped out a long head of hair and put it on my head I could not resist. I hadn't had hair that long since I was about eight. My mother sighed as I pranced out of the shop with a wig in my bag.
But all was not perfect. After a few weeks of enjoying having both long and short hair instantly, I went to Covent Garden to go holiday shopping with my boyfriend. I was specifically looking for bikinis, and they definitely look better with long hair... so especially with my boy short hair and three tattoos on show, I could have done with looking more straight. MISTAKE.
I left the shop. I walked too close to a tree with low hanging branches. The wig got caught on the branch in the middle of Covent Garden. It was literally HANGING on a tree. My boyfriend stood and laughed, giving no attempt to help me. The most humiliating moment ever. There was so many people.
Needless to say, I now wear extensions and avoid trees and bushes at all cost.
So, as the short orc-ish looking lady sat me down and whipped out a long head of hair and put it on my head I could not resist. I hadn't had hair that long since I was about eight. My mother sighed as I pranced out of the shop with a wig in my bag.
But all was not perfect. After a few weeks of enjoying having both long and short hair instantly, I went to Covent Garden to go holiday shopping with my boyfriend. I was specifically looking for bikinis, and they definitely look better with long hair... so especially with my boy short hair and three tattoos on show, I could have done with looking more straight. MISTAKE.
I left the shop. I walked too close to a tree with low hanging branches. The wig got caught on the branch in the middle of Covent Garden. It was literally HANGING on a tree. My boyfriend stood and laughed, giving no attempt to help me. The most humiliating moment ever. There was so many people.
Needless to say, I now wear extensions and avoid trees and bushes at all cost.
Wednesday 7 March 2012
Photographic Evidence
I went to Kuredu Island in the Maldives last summer and it was gorgeous. The whole place was perfect, but I'm not going to go on about that, because you can just google the Maldives and see how awesome it looks. Instead, I feel that its more important to discuss my worst nightmare which literally STALKED me, watching my every move and waiting for the opportune moment to chase me into unwanted places and do unwanted things.
This terrible happening occurred more than five times. I like to think my memory blocked the last few times because it was so horrific. My brother, Richard, was with me during one sighting, and I'm not sure who screamed the highest or loudest. But it was most probably Richard.
The worst occasion, however, was when I was walking with my mum down one of the beautiful clear beaches. My mum did not even flinch when we saw it. She would let a WASP sit down and have a lie down on her ARM though, so that's not saying much. But I saw it from a mile away. It saw me from across the whole bloody island, I am not exaggerating it literally always knew where I was. And it looked at me, and CHASED me for about ten terrifying minutes down the beach, I was screaming and begging for mercy. People came out of the beach huts to watch but no one even attempted to help. My dear mother instead had tears of laughter and took a photograph. I nearly DROWNED trying to escape it. Eventually it let me go, satisfied that I had had the worst experience of my life. Not that it was the last time I saw it. But it was definitely the most horrific.
Excuse the great fat arse on the photograph, but you try looking hot in a bikini running for your life from a disgusting beast.
This terrible happening occurred more than five times. I like to think my memory blocked the last few times because it was so horrific. My brother, Richard, was with me during one sighting, and I'm not sure who screamed the highest or loudest. But it was most probably Richard.
The worst occasion, however, was when I was walking with my mum down one of the beautiful clear beaches. My mum did not even flinch when we saw it. She would let a WASP sit down and have a lie down on her ARM though, so that's not saying much. But I saw it from a mile away. It saw me from across the whole bloody island, I am not exaggerating it literally always knew where I was. And it looked at me, and CHASED me for about ten terrifying minutes down the beach, I was screaming and begging for mercy. People came out of the beach huts to watch but no one even attempted to help. My dear mother instead had tears of laughter and took a photograph. I nearly DROWNED trying to escape it. Eventually it let me go, satisfied that I had had the worst experience of my life. Not that it was the last time I saw it. But it was definitely the most horrific.
Excuse the great fat arse on the photograph, but you try looking hot in a bikini running for your life from a disgusting beast.
Wednesday 30 March 2011
Canyon Swing
Before we moved to New Zealand, we had a couple of months touring the country in a camper van. My favourite memory of that whole tour was the Canyon Swing in Queenstown.
The Canyon Swing was essentially a bungee jump, but you wore a harness at your waist rather than at your feet. Its the highest cliff jump in the world, falling 109m, looking down at a river and rocks. It was so weird because I thought I would be the type of person to not be scared of something like that, but as I stood at the top begging the two guys controlling it to check the ropes so I didn't fall to my death, I was absolutely terrified. The first jump was simply me running off the cliff. But that was nothing compared to the second.
I was hung upside down over the cliff, my head pointing at the ground, and they said to put my arm up when I was ready for them to drop me. I can't remember whether I did or not, even at the time I wasn't positive, but I'm pretty sure they just dropped me anyway. I didn't breathe for so long in that jump. Even thinking about it now makes my stomach go mental. But it was totally one of the coolest things I've ever done.
The Canyon Swing was essentially a bungee jump, but you wore a harness at your waist rather than at your feet. Its the highest cliff jump in the world, falling 109m, looking down at a river and rocks. It was so weird because I thought I would be the type of person to not be scared of something like that, but as I stood at the top begging the two guys controlling it to check the ropes so I didn't fall to my death, I was absolutely terrified. The first jump was simply me running off the cliff. But that was nothing compared to the second.
I was hung upside down over the cliff, my head pointing at the ground, and they said to put my arm up when I was ready for them to drop me. I can't remember whether I did or not, even at the time I wasn't positive, but I'm pretty sure they just dropped me anyway. I didn't breathe for so long in that jump. Even thinking about it now makes my stomach go mental. But it was totally one of the coolest things I've ever done.
Tuesday 22 March 2011
Stephen Hawkings II
Last summer, we went to the waterfalls somewhere up North where we lived (think it was High Force maybe? Irrelevant anyway). Just as we had started walking towards it I saw a little rabbit lying on the ground in the middle of a big grassy patch. I think its legs were broken or something cause it could only move in a circle and I was pretty sure I had to be a hero and take it home with us or it would be eaten by something.
We'd only just set off though, so for the rest of the walk I wrapped it in my jacket and carried it with me. And FULL ON bonded with it, it was my favourite pet ever (minus ugly Maisie and hottie Connie). Like no kidding, I was talking to it and telling it I would get it to a vets and everything would be fine.
Except it wasn't. Because we sat down to have lunch at the top of the waterfall and everyone was getting grossed out having a crippled rabbit (aptly named Stephen Hawkings The Second by my brother) staring at them eating. So I laid it down behind us on a rock to eat my sandwich.
When I turned around little Stevie Hawks had disappeared. I was getting really happy there had been a miracle and he had been cured and bounded off into the distance...when I saw a hole in the ground.
My rabbit had rolled down the hole. I tried to reach him and save him AND I COULD FEEL HIM but couldn't grab him. In the end he rolled down further into the hole.
Worst day of my life. I actually cried.
We'd only just set off though, so for the rest of the walk I wrapped it in my jacket and carried it with me. And FULL ON bonded with it, it was my favourite pet ever (minus ugly Maisie and hottie Connie). Like no kidding, I was talking to it and telling it I would get it to a vets and everything would be fine.
Except it wasn't. Because we sat down to have lunch at the top of the waterfall and everyone was getting grossed out having a crippled rabbit (aptly named Stephen Hawkings The Second by my brother) staring at them eating. So I laid it down behind us on a rock to eat my sandwich.
When I turned around little Stevie Hawks had disappeared. I was getting really happy there had been a miracle and he had been cured and bounded off into the distance...when I saw a hole in the ground.
My rabbit had rolled down the hole. I tried to reach him and save him AND I COULD FEEL HIM but couldn't grab him. In the end he rolled down further into the hole.
Worst day of my life. I actually cried.
Monday 14 March 2011
Mt Troodos
I can't remember how old I was, or where we were living at the time when we went to Cyprus. In fact theres not much I really do remember about that holiday other than my mum getting electrocuted whilst making the fridge work, spending quite a few nights in the Red Rum (I think was its name..?) Restaurant (where they thought cheese pizza meant literally cheese on a pizza base, no tomato puree or anything - clearly the worst moment of my life, or why on earth else would I remember that) and Mt Troodos.
We drove up pretty much to the top of this mountain, and had a wander and a snowball fight because there was just snow everywhere up there. I must have been relatively young, because I know my little brother John made me cry by throwing a snowball in my face and while I writhed around on the floor, continued to so for quite a while. But its chilled, cause after that his hands and feet turned all blue because he had some kind of circulation problem or something at the time. So ha!
On the way down, as luck would have it, the sky started going mental and a storm was going full blow. I remember seeing the lightening going right close to our car, and my mum was panicking as my dad was trying to dodge the ice that was all down the road. It was dark by this time too, which only added to the lovely journey down. We could see car sliding out of control down the ice next to us.
When we eventually got to the bottom, pretty relieved, we went to the Red Rum Restaurant where they actually got my cheese pizza right. By that time, with the best thing of my life in front of me waiting to be demolished, I'd forgotten all about skidding down the mountain dodging lightening.
We drove up pretty much to the top of this mountain, and had a wander and a snowball fight because there was just snow everywhere up there. I must have been relatively young, because I know my little brother John made me cry by throwing a snowball in my face and while I writhed around on the floor, continued to so for quite a while. But its chilled, cause after that his hands and feet turned all blue because he had some kind of circulation problem or something at the time. So ha!
On the way down, as luck would have it, the sky started going mental and a storm was going full blow. I remember seeing the lightening going right close to our car, and my mum was panicking as my dad was trying to dodge the ice that was all down the road. It was dark by this time too, which only added to the lovely journey down. We could see car sliding out of control down the ice next to us.
When we eventually got to the bottom, pretty relieved, we went to the Red Rum Restaurant where they actually got my cheese pizza right. By that time, with the best thing of my life in front of me waiting to be demolished, I'd forgotten all about skidding down the mountain dodging lightening.
Tuesday 8 March 2011
Wasps
My Nan and Grandad's house was the coolest place to go, it was pretty old and all the rooms were massive with all old fashioned bedrooms and furniture. I think I genuinely used to think there were ghosts there because my Grandad used to terrify us at night into believing there was a little ghost girl in the top of the cupboard.
The best thing about his house was the enormous garden. It was absolutely huge with little fountains and archways and massive trees. In the garden in the summer I used to go out and save all the wasps that flew into the massive pots of water and fountains using a piece of string. I thought I was some kind of wasp hero, and used to get all emotionally attached to each one and name them.
I think partly I did it because ironically I was terrified of being stung by a wasp and it was like if I saved them they'd all be nice enough not to sting me in the future.
It didn't really work out cause a few years later in Christchurch I got stung between my fingers and the little bugger blatantly refused to get off me. So whatever, haven't saved any since.
The best thing about his house was the enormous garden. It was absolutely huge with little fountains and archways and massive trees. In the garden in the summer I used to go out and save all the wasps that flew into the massive pots of water and fountains using a piece of string. I thought I was some kind of wasp hero, and used to get all emotionally attached to each one and name them.
I think partly I did it because ironically I was terrified of being stung by a wasp and it was like if I saved them they'd all be nice enough not to sting me in the future.
It didn't really work out cause a few years later in Christchurch I got stung between my fingers and the little bugger blatantly refused to get off me. So whatever, haven't saved any since.
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